More hammer-in-the-face realizations from my morning dance practice.
I am a very emotionally needy person. It’s true. Deep in my guts I feel utterly insecure of my own worth, and I question if I deserve Love, Kindness, Attention, or Safety. And I want the outside world to constantly reassure me of that worthiness. I generally keep it under wraps, contained, locked up, paved over – but it still bleeds through to the detriment of my relationships and life choices.
It feels like I am desperately missing something. Like I am fundamentally broken on the inside somehow. Like there is a hole in my heart. And no matter what I do, where I am, or what I am experiencing there is hunting feeling of lack ever present in the back of my mind: This… is not enough. This… is not it. This… is not working.
In some ways, this feeling of lack, this hole in my heart has been my biggest driver in life. The missing puzzle piece hidden in my decisions and motivations through life.
First, while In college, I became an activist and cycled through ideologies. Trying to fill that hole with action and big ideological beliefs. Community. Meaning. Truth. I learned a lot. But I saw that activism and ideology did not fill that hole.
I then spent 5 years in Yeshiva. Way more than I should have. Trying to fill a “God shaped hole”. (And a Rabbi/Father shaped hole.) And I have a good relationship with God now. (Rabbies/Fathers not so much.) I feel a real connection. It has gotten me through the toughest moments of my life so far. We talk everyday. I am a shit religious Jew… but God is a part of my life, and it’s never going away. But the hole… is still there.
So I left Yeshiva, met a wonderful woman, and got married. And I hoped that she would fill up all my doubts about being worthy of love and kindness. We had three lovely boys. We were a family. We bought a ranch and an orchard. We created a hippy heaven. I was a stay at home dad for a while. I was in the thick of it. But the hole was still there.
So then I tried Startups. Being my own boss. Managing dozens of employees. Making it big. Putting my creativity out to the world. Working like crazy. Waiting to be validated by the world for my vision and sacrifices. But yeah, it also didn’t work. I still have a hole in my heart. And still being run by a feeling of lack and incompleteness. (And at a cost to my family.)
So here I am. 38. Trying to dance in a dark barn. With a hole in my heart. With 20 years of needy, desperate jumping behind me. Trying to fill up my heart with everything, and yet nothing truly sticking.
So… what now? How do I change this? How do I stop running?
The Hammer in the face was the answer. It came to me suddenly, an answer to a question I wasn’t asking but needed to hear.
That hole in my heart… It’s not an Ideology shaped hole. It’s not a God shaped hole. It’s not a Wife and Children shaped hole. It’s not a Startup shaped hole.
It’s a Me shaped hole. It’s always been a Me shaped hole. And I will only fill it when I learn to accept, value, and love myself.
And I need to heal this or I will always keep running. Always asking for the impossible from my relationships and work. Always feeling incomplete. Always stuck in my head, judging the present as lacking in what I truly need.
It feels impossible. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to learn to love myself. I don’t know how to fix my guts on this fundamental level. But I know that I have to. And no one else will do it for me. Not even God. This one… this is part of my Work.
I also heard a phrase in my guts.
“The Work. It is always yours.”
I don’t truly know what it means. But I shiver when I say it.
So this is my goal for the year. I want to learn to accept, love, and respect myself. I want to stop running. I want to come home.
I am committed to this. I am going to learn to accept and love myself. Its public on Facebook now. So how could I fail.
And it’s a goal worth dancing for.
