I woke up feeling that today was a bad day. I had to force myself out of bed. I could barely get through my morning meditation. I crawled back into bed afterwards, but my boys invaded it and got me to get up. I argued with the things I was supposed to be grateful for. I wanted to stay in my head and just be sullen and grumpy. But I pushed myself to go free dance in the barn. It didn’t work! I was still in my head, cycling from one upset daydream to another, my body rigid and cramped. Forcing myself to move my arms and legs until I felt ridiculous and self-conscious.
I tried praying for help. Deep breathing. Crying. Accepting what was: being here, now, in this mess of a day. But it didn’t help. Finally I gave up on dancing and decided to jog instead. But my energy level and motivation were crap and I gave up after 2 laps (out of my usual 7). I came home. Got into an argument with my wife. Grumped at my kids. Ate crap for breakfast and felt sick afterwards. I tried reading a book but could not concentrate. Nothing was actually that bad, and yet everything sucked. Suckage! Suckage everywhere!
An inner commentary is running through it all and making things worse. I knew my work week will be extremely stressful, as I will be asking my boss for the option to work remotely when we move to the East Coast, and I am scared I will be fired instead. So I really really really need this weekend to rest. To relax. To connect with my wife. To be present with my kids. To build up calm and positive vibes that I will need to be at my best at work. And I am utterly failing at it. I am not relaxing. I am not connecting. I am unpleasant and unconscious. I am not enjoying anything. I feel actively worse than I had when the weekend started. And I have no idea how to break out of it.
I go out to our garden. I am feeling defeated and broken. I didn’t just give in to the “bad” day, lose consciousness, and then “wake up” in the evening to pick up the pieces. I fought it. I am still fighting it. I am using all of my new tools. I am working hard to turn things around. I am stood my ground. And I am losing. I am losing badly. Everything is still suckage.
I feel that I should be better than this. I should be able to turn things around. I should be able to get at least a minimum of rest and enjoyment out of this day. I have all these great tools! I have God to help me. How could I be failing so badly? In fact I am actively adding to the dysfunction around me. I have faced the Suckage. And the Suckage is Me.
The inner commentary turns jubilant and dismissive. Oh look! It’s the newly minted meditator… How that zen coming along oh great Facebook guru? Yeah… it’s been 2 months of practice and you ain’t got shit. All your commitments and wisdoms and you are still powerless in front of one crappy day. Failing at what you want to do and feel. Failing to stop your mind from running amok. Failing to keep your emotions in check. Failing to keep quiet and not antagonize others. Failing to rest or enjoy. Failing to control the simplest most basic parts of your experience.
This…. is your reality. Look at it. LOOK AT IT! This bad day? There are many more ahead. Weeks of them. And you are powerless to stop them. Your changes. Your inner peace. It’s all skin deep. It will bow to the Suckage! Suckage is Destiny!
I am watching myself collapse inwardly. This part of meditation practice is still holding. I can be “the Watcher” of what’s happening, even if the “Me” is spiraling out. I am conscious of how unconscious I am. So what do I do? Can I stop this? Should I stop this? Maybe my practice for now is to just watch this unraveling trainwreck of a day? There will be good days, and there will be bad days. This is clearly a bad day. Maybe I just making things worse by trying to change it.
I remembered the final lesson from E.Tolle in the book. It was about the practice of Surrender. Of accepting the present moment as if you had chosen in, truly giving up the fight with that which was bothering you, and becoming transparent so that the negative force could fully pass through you and find no resistance inside. I didn’t fully understand it. And it seemed partially defeatist. But I got that it was something important to aspire to eventually.
I was out of tools. So I decided to try it. This was a bad day. I have tried changing it for the better, fighting my emotions and mind, and I failed. I have put up a resistance, and I made things worse in the process. Everything was already the worst. So what did I have to lose?
I closed my eyes. I took a deep breath. And I surrendered. I gave up the fight for the day. I surrendered to the unconsciousness, the stress, the negativity. I let the bad day win.
I accepted that my day would be horrible. That I would not rest, or enjoy, or connect. I accepted that I would be more tired and stressed during the work week and possibly make things worse at work. I accepted that I would get into more fights and arguments at home and have to fix it up for weeks. I surrendered to my utter failure to stop or change things. The Suckage was right, this was my reality today. I surrendered to the Suckage as if I had chosen it myself.
And it stopped. Almost immediately. It felt like taking a big breath of cold air after hiding under a blanket. I felt less pressure in my chest. I felt less tension in my head. The commentary quieted down. It was just me standing in the garden. I was alone. It was still morning. It was still a bad day. But that’s all it was. I gave up on the fight, and the fight moved on. I was free to go through my bad day without being in a war.
I can’t really explain it. How or why this worked. But I was clear that it did. This Surrender stuff – it’s powerful. I felt it. And I felt that something has passed through me, or by me, in that moment. Something bigger than me. Something calmly powerful. Like if the Grand Canyon was also a whale. And you could feel it moving by even with your eyes closed. And I shiver a bit as I write this.
The rest of the day was fine. I did not rest. I got into arguments. I stayed in my head. Everything was kinda shitty. But I was not in a fight with it. I had surrendered to the bad day. And the bad day did not win. It just was. And now it over. Tomorrow will be a new day. And I am looking forward to it. Good night bad day. Good night Suckage. Sweet dreams everyone.
