“The brain is wider than the sky.” – Emily Dickinson
I had my meditation plan, I was clear on my motivation, AND I posted about it to the internets, so now I could not chicken out. Now, all that was left was the actual meditating. So when lunch time came I was ready for action! (The action of sitting and not thinking…) I ignored my fridged lunch and the siren call of YouTube, and went to check out the office “garage“ for quiet spots. I found a good spot facing the wall, dragged out a comfortable chair, and I was ready to take on my brain’s philandering ways.
It might have been a mistake, but I decided not to start with any app for a guided meditation, but to just use some “Tibetan Music” and do my best to breathe and not think. As part of plan to form a meditation habit, I considered my habit’s “cue”: meditating as soon as it was lunch time. And visualized my “reward”: yummy lunch and Jon Oliver videos on Youtube. Then I put 15 minutes on the alarm clock, cranked up the gentle gongs soundtrack and dived in.
Breathing in. Breathing out. Yep it boring. Breathing in. Breathing out. My nose itches. I’ll ignore it and it should go away. Stop thinking! Breathing in. Breathing out. Oh GOD it itches so much. Think about breathing. NO! Don’t think about breathing. Do about breathing. Breathing in…. Breathing out… Nose itching is just a distraction. I will ignore the nose itching. I will permit nose itching to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone I will turn my inner eye to see its path… I wish I could ride a sandworm. That would be awesome. Aaaaa! Stop thinking.
Breathing in. Breathing out. I miss writing. I keep writing really long Facebook updates because I miss writing and speaking from the heart. Maybe I could blog about this? This way I could also work on my blogging fears. Yeah! Let’s do ALL the scary things at once! That is sure to work… No! Stop thinking about writing about not thinking. Start thinking about breathing. Crap. Just stop thinking.
Breathing in. Breathing out. Am I a bad father? I think my youngest is a bit afraid of me now that I started going to work for the whole day and I don’t see him at all. He avoids me now for cuddles. And I promised the older ones some one on one time, and now the weekend is already so overbooked with home chores… Am I being too busy and messing up my boys the same way as my dad? Will my boys also crave older male attention and praise and be weird with mentors? Am I fucking everything up for ever? {Tightness in my chest.} I think I am panicking. Is my nose itching again?!? Shit… Back to breathing.
Breathing in. Breathing out. I am failing at not thinking. Yep… I suck at non thinking. And meditating. This is never going to work. Keep breathing! No problem. I kinda expected this. My brain is not going down without a good fight. Which is fair. It has been in charge for 38 years now. And now I want to go and mess with everything. OK no judgement. No annoyance. This is part of the process. Breathing in. Breathing out. This is how it starts. AND I am confident in my ability to change. So if I keep at it – it will work. AND yes I still am thinking all this, so brain you still win. You wily bastard.
Ok… I suck at meditating. As expected. Well… let’s pray. That I’m good at. Hopefully. I’m religious and trying to learn to meditate. So lets call in the big guns…. Hi… God? It’s Sam. This is not an emergency or anything… but I would like some help. Please help me learn to meditate. Please help me use my brain better. I don’t know how to do this. Like at all. And it seems impossible. But… I believe that this will be good for me to learn. I need to learn to relax and be more present. I need to learn to deal with stress and worry in healthy ways. And maybe one day I can teach it to my boys as well. Please, please help me get better at this… I am committed. And I am going to be doing this every lunch time until the end of the year. So what ever it is in me that needs to shift, please help shift it. And what I need to learn to do this better, please send it my way. I am ready. I am open. I know you are in charge here. And I will keep asking for your help… and work on my ego in all of this.
Also God… thank you for the new job. It’s great. And thank you for keeping my kids healthy. My kids are great. I love my kids. Keep them alive and happy please. That the biggest thing. Way more important that meditation or work. But I would like those things as well. And thank you for life in general. Everything is kinda messy… but also kinda great. I am loving this Elul and it feels like I can do the impossible. And I’m actually excited for Rosh Hashana this year. Ok back to breathing.
Breathing in. Breathing out. I asked for help from above – the next step is mine. Hi brain… Yeah the you who is thinking this. Hiiiii… You love thinking. I get it. But this is time to try something different. And it’s super scary. I get that. I feel scared as well. But… can we try this? And… well… I love you. I do. I am not upset with all the thinking. I get it. This has been our thing. You and me, team quick thinking. I was that shy unsporty kid, and all I had was you. It was me and you against the world all this time. And we thought our way through all of it. So thank you. For everything. {I am shivering, so I’m touching something here.}
Hey Brain… thank you for being quick and creative. That is all awesome. And I would not be here if it wasn’t for you. I am picking on you now… but you have been there for me all of this time. Time and again you rise to the occasion and get me the solutions I need. And I give you zero gratitude for it. I take you for granted. And I get annoyed that you know how to turn off on cue after being on and reliable for decades. I’m sorry. Thank you. And I love you. I mean it. {Starting to feel lots of feels…}
So Brain… this thing right now. No part of this is about turning you off or hating you. It’s just that right now… this moment… I want to learn something new. And it will be super scary for both of us to do it. But let’s try it. Let’s try doing something different, and then you can have all the YouTube and daydreaming. But for now… we breathe and try to be only here.
And actually. Brain? I think… you are smart enough to figure this out. This whole meditating thing… and learning not to think and be… I think you are smart and creative enough to figure this out. You are not a one trick pony. We’ve mastered thinking. Now… let’s master not thinking. I believe in your awesomeness brain. Let’s do this. Together. And thank you.
Breathing. Breathing. I want to cry. Breathing. Breathing. Thinking. Thinking. Breathing. Breathing. ALARM! It’s been 15 minutes… Ok….. well it’s a start. Now on to the rewards. YouTube and food!
