I’ve been avoiding writing this. But I am back on my regular doze of Zoloft and Wellbutrin.
Honestly I feel like I failed, and I feel a lot of shame in sharing this. I know it’s ridiculous – that I should not judge myself on this. But the feeling is there. And dealing with this is part of the work I still have to do.
I want to write more here. Explaining how this was a bad time for me to try this, with the war both outside and inside of my company, a lot of my closest russian speaking relationships getting challenged, Bucha…
But… that’s not the core of it. At the core of it – was my fear. My fear that I have not actually changed. That I am still a loser without medication. That all of my gains from the last year were only due to the Zoloft, that it gets all the credit for my career and relationship wins, and that I am truly incapable without it.
(Yes, I know, if my body needed insulin to function – I would not be judging myself. So why with Zoloft? I know… I get it. But the shame is still there – so hold of on the good advice – I am trying to figure this out. )
It is an intense fear – that goes to the core of me. By the 3rd week of reducing my Zoloft dose, work became unbearable. I started skipping meetings, waking up and playing computer games instead of checking emails (which I have not done for a year), and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the late morning, just waiting for the day to be over so that I could hide in bed.
Work fears and stresses became incredibly exhausting, but they were bearable, while it was this Terror of me being unchanged, incapable, broken – that really overloaded me. I felt that I could not control it. I could not control myself. My tools and commitments failed. My will power evaporated – and all I wanted to do is hide in bed, or games, or anime, or porn – and ignore reality.
I have met the enemy… and its my own fears. And there is a lot of work left to be done in this direction.
So what now? I am back on my full doses. I had a messy week and a half of getting back my calm and will power – and currently feel mostly back to my previous “in-control” self. My work is ok – I did not mess anything major up.
But I still feel broken. Ashamed. Humbled. My gains from last year no longer energizing me, and helping me feel that anything is possible. Yeah I can do scary things again… but its not me… its the Zoloft. I am nothing without it. I am crap on my own.
I am writing this out – because this is a voice in my head. And I will have to be clear on it – if I am going to heal what ever is behind it.
================
I still want to try tapering off again. Maybe in 6 months or so. I don’t give up this easily. But I will need to be much much better prepared. I learned a lot from this attempt. And its much more clear to me now how difficult of an undertaking this will be.
The healthy habits that I was struggling to add on via FB posting – to give me more natural dopamine – will have to be fully established as easy-to-do habits. Because I will not have ANY will power to do anything new when I am tapering off. So all the tools I will need – will have to be part of my core self before I try this again. (A big challenge – but a useful one no matter what. )
I am also going to need to take time off work for this. Like a month at least. Or at least reduce my work to a minimal. So when I want to hide in bed from everything – it will not risk my career and any serious damage. That will not be easy to setup – but not impossible. December might be the best for it – as most projects go on hold as clients take off for the holidays.
Finally… I will need to deal with this terror of being broken, incapable and out of control. I will be a mess – and I will need to not freak out about it. As that does the most damage. I will need to make peace with the negative voice above. And be truly clear that I am not defined by any of this. Fear of failure, shame, embarrassment – they cant be a part of this process. This will take some serious therapy. Going to core of what I am. Who am I when I am not productive. What is my worth when I am not succeeding. Do I still deserve love from myself when I am overwhelmed and cannot control myself. (As well more acceptance of a reality of always being on Zoloft.)
So I have my homework for the next 6 months. Around October I can do a re-assessment and see if I am ready to restart this process. AND if I have not prepared properly – I am not going to do it. Because this will be incredibly hard and this process will kick my ass if I am not ready for the worst.
