For the last 14 months, I have been taking Zoloft and Wellbutrin to treat my High Anxiety. And last year has been the best year of my life. I used to be paralyzed by stress, and managing/avoiding/fearing anxiety was a huge part of my life. But when the happy pills kicked in – that changed. Drastically. I wasn’t fearless. I still worried and stressed. BUT it became manageable. I could do whatever I needed to do – even if it was scary and painful. While shutting down from anxious things became a choice and not a forgone conclusion.
It was liberating. Like finally finding myself – the self I felt deep inside I can be – at age 40.
This is for another post – but I finally started doing what I know I needed to do. Quitting jobs. Looking for better ones. Asking for raises. Doing tech sales. Becoming a mentor. Forming a new company with friends. Leaving negative relationships. Pursuing healthy friends and mentors. Joining new communities. Dancing in front of others. Asking for what I needed and wanted. Giving tough feedback. Admitting to my own limitations, and then creating solutions for them.
I have been very very lucky with getting these opportunities. But I have also been brazen in exploring and pursuing what I saw in front of me, and working really hard for them. My life is still a huge raging mess. But I feel confident that I can get it all sorted. More career growth, more ownership, better relationships – it feels within reach.
But… there is a catch. It still bothers me that I have done all of this on the happy pills. That I am my best self when medicated. When I talked to my prescriber about it – he felt for most people biochemistry was destiny. By his estimation, 80% of people that go on the happy pills stay on them for life. And of the other 20% that leave, only about 5% in total are not making a mistake in not coming back (or find some other “medication” to manage their anxiety: weed, shrooms, microdosing etc.)
So… living with my own natural dopamine, and without other drugs, I had only about a 5% chance of success. But I wanted to try it. Rightly or not. So I made a plan. Things that I needed in my life to try to get off Zoloft: a certain amount of savings, a strong support network, multiple friends that I can be totally honest with, and time off work to make this happen. Last month it all came together, and I started the process of reducing my doze.
Currently I am at my half dose, and honestly, it’s been really hard. And I feel the same emotional paralysis as I had a year ago coming back. Moodiness, depression, taking everything personally, wanting to hide in bed instead of leading meetings. Not wanting to exercise, dance, or eat healthy. Just hiding, giving up, and feeling overwhelmed. I have not damaged my work or relationships – but I can see that I am slipping up. And it’s not going to get better on it’s own.
So I have a choice to make. I can either give up, and go back to my doze, have another year of stability, and then try again. (Or not.) OR I can try harder to make sure I have enough natural dopamine to get me through my day – and keeping up the same fearlessness now without a chemical edge.
I like challenges. And this is a big one. And I am clear that if I can’t hack it, I will go back on my proper medication dose – as I don’t want to lose the life I’ve built up in the last year.
So here is my compromise with myself. I have 6 weeks, 42 days, starting today, to get a structure in place that will maintain my natural dopamine. 10 healthy habits that – when done daily should give me the boost I need. Or not. And that will be something to learn as well.
If I can maintain these 10 healthy habits for the next 3 weeks. Then I can get off the rest of the medication. If I can’t – then I will stay on for another 3 weeks and then re-access. If I can’t maintain my healthy habits – then I will go back on the medication and start working my way up.
And, as I have done before, with starting jogging and meditation – I am making this public on FB – to give myself some accountability and social pressure to get this done.
Here are the 10 healthy habits that I’ve practiced in the past, and have a strong effect on me:
10 Min Dancing x 5 a week
10 min Yoga x 5 a week
50 Breath Meditation x 5 a week
10 min Jogging or Weight Training x 5 a week
10 min Nature Experience/Gardening x 5
5 min listen to Eckhart Tolle x 5 a week
3 Daily Gratitudes added to a list x 5 a week
Check in with someone on goals/progress with total honesty on what is going x5 a week
1 Self-Nurturing thing a day x 5 week
Be in bed by 11pm x 5 times a week
There are more things I can do. But the ones above I can do in about 90 minutes – which I do have free in my day. I can also do less – and I may be setting myself for failure by going as fast into this. But let’s see. I am willing to learn from my mistakes and adjust the process as needed.
So here we go. Week 1. Day 1. Lets do it.
