Medication #4: Self Re-Discovery

I feel a lot of joy from returning to myself in force last week. In the last two months, as I started the process with prescription medication – I’ve dropped running, working out, going to the forest and most of my dancing. (And yes all of this needs more explaining.) I’ve been returning to it bit by bit – and this week was 6 days of weights, and two days of jogging through the frozen forest watching the sunrise. And it was wonderful. God… I have missed the forest. That feeling when I run into the naked thicket – and hear the birdsong – and realize how crazy I have been. How stressed. How stuck in my head.

On my first run this Friday – as I ran into the forest – I said hello to the trees, and I apologized, and I wanted to cry. Why did I ever stop doing this? Why did I leave you for Pfizer? That feeling when my sneakers hit the dirt path to the forest and I know it will be a good day – because here I am running – so all will be ok. Why did I trade this away and forget it was there? Those moments when I go off the paved trail to my spot by the little river bend, growl and shake out my stress like a crazy chipmunk and talk to God. That peace of watching the trees sway and wanting to learn from them. It feels insane that I forgot it was right there – 5 minutes away from my house. And yet when I was in the druggy malaise I didn’t even notice that it all got dropped. And yes, that scares me. But my joy of making it out in one piece is greater.

So Im back to mostly normal. With some new painful wisdom in tow. I am wildly sore, my body is massively out of shape, and I still have some low key nausea from the medication – but I am pushing through it. And I feel almost at the level where I was 2 months ago. But most of all I am filled with a desire to get myself back, and to not lose myself again in this way.

In the last few days I have been feeling this strong desire to get clean. From the prescription drugs still in my body. From the sugar and processed sweets that I’ve been abusing. My resurging dopamine addictions to news, Facebook, and Youtube. I have beat them before. And I want to do it again. To get clean and stay clean. So its also been a week of re-quitting everything and starting on a dopamine fast. So that I can replace some of those habits with dancing, nature, bonfiress and joyful parenting. And start bringing the fight to the negative voices. again.

Overall – I feel blessed because I am in a good place. Talking to my therapist about my men’s group last week – I noted that I have the most support now than I have ever had in my life. I an awesome men’s group that feels like a national treasure, a good therapist that is pushing my growth, good friends that I can be fully honest with, and new community to hold us up if we need it. I have never been so rich.

And this might mean that some of my trauma might start coming out, wanting to be finally processed. And that is not a rollercoaster I am looking forward to. But… one of the things that I realized recently is that I am mostly not in charge of my process. I am not in control of my growth. I make my choices daily – but the things that shake me, rock me, teach me and teach me are not of my choosing. And yet I am here, a better man, because of them. And I want to fall back into that powerlessness and let it keep guiding me without fighting it.

I am not in charge… and that is ok. Its good to be loved. Its good to surrender sometimes. To just enjoy the ride. To throw up your hands and holler like a 10 year old experiencing 2Gs for the first time. Just lost in the thrill of being alive, and in your body, in that moment with nothing else existing but the wind, the speed, and your joy. I want to feel this more. I want to be in this more. I want to open myself to this more.

2020 came in with some punches. But I held my ground, grew and changed. Moved to a community, created a support network, made lots of new friends, and earned some real humility and wisdom about my limitations. It was a a great year. So I am ready for 2021. Let’s do it with a bit more surrender, and a bit more joy. And I am happy to have you all for the ride.