So I had my ADHD evaluation on Friday, and I passed. Yay?
I really liked the psychiatrist. We ended up having a nice 2 hour chat romping through my whole life history of issues.
And I know the point is not impress him – but I think I did.
Psychiatrist: So do you do anything to relax?
Me: Yes, I jog, work out, dance, meditate, journal, garden, self-affirm, feel gratitude, give love to my inner child, consciously eat something tasty to connect with my body, walk in the woods, and try to feel God’s love… on the weekdays. And more stuff on the weekends.
Psychiatrist: … That seems adequate. And do you have anyone to talk to?
Me: So I have one friend that I am totally honest with. I very close with my older sister. I am a part of two men’s groups who I can be fully honest with. I talk to my wife. I talk to my mom every other day. And I share things openly with about a 100 friends on Facebook.
Psychiatrist: … Yeah… that’s a pretty good support network.
So what ever I did – it worked. I am safe and don’t seem like I am trolling to drugs. And I don’t need to start with the herbal supplements. He felt he could fast track me to the real drugs.
And I can pick up my Adderall at our local CVS today. And take my stimulants in a few hours. (Starting at 10mg, and then we can slowly go up in dosage to see how I react. )
Aaaaand I feel very nervous about it. I want the change – I want to be functional and productive. I am tired of the shame and stress of constant procrastination. And yet there is a fear. What kind of life does the functional and productive me lead? Do I need to double-down on my career? Do I need a new career? Should I change my life direction?
Its all all a bit silly. I know it may not even work. All that might happen is that I might procrastinate less. But taking the pills feels momentous somehow – a step into a different life – a different me – and I feel a lot of fear around it.
And its Succot week. Maybe I should wait a week. But there is so much that needs to get done. If they actually work – it would be a big help. This is what I’ve been waiting for… so why am I frozen in fear now?
I am going to go for a run to clear my head and see what comes up. But that’s the update so far.
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I got the drugs from CVS yesterday. My salvation came in bright blue capsules, one side clear with green sand granules of amphetamine salts swishing about on the inside. My first thought was: wow… could they make this look any more chemical or unnatural? I immediately felt a lot of revulsion. I’m a pretty healthy eater so the thought of popping one of these blue devils everyday seemed so contrary to the rest of my life.
But I could tell that there was more in there. I wanted this. I wanted the drugs. I wanted the help. The productivity. The new life. Why freak out now? So I took some time last night to check in with my guts and work out my fears about taking the Adderall. From what I got the fears were two fold.
On one hand I was afraid that it would work too well – and my new found focus would sentence me to non-ending work and hustle. Without the breaks provided by failure. Which comes from my still broken habits on relaxation, fun and taking care of myself. As well as improper boundaries with my desires for fame and achievement (which come from deeper stuff on feeling worthless and unlovable.) All things for me to work on while I am in this process. Healthy rest and healthy boundaries. As resting via breakdown is the wrong way to do this.
On the other hand – I was worried that it would not work at all. No magic pill. Nothing. No escape. No help. No cure. And that was really scary as well. So I had to buff up my feeling of having agency in this process no matter what. And that there were a lot of drugs for me to try. And even without chemical help, now that I was clear that my brain was different – and I needed to work with my hyper-focus instead of fighting against it – I will do better in life.
So I made a plan to take the pills at 8am after my jog. And went to sleep.
I followed my plan and took my first pill. Blue devils ahoy!
Its been 3 hours now. So how do I feel?
I don’t know yet. And I am afraid to over-focus on anything just yet.
But one of the things that I noticed was that it feels “quieter” in my head. Like I sometimes feel after a good meditation. But not a calm quiet – but more of tenser ringing quiet. But a quiet nevertheless. My internal voice was still there. But it felt less on autopilot and more background. I had to think about it to hear it clearly. I actually took it as a cue and meditated some more. And it seemed easier to focus on the counting and not get dragged off by my thoughts.
Is this real? Is it placebo? Am I psyching myself out?
No idea. I am going to have to do this much more to get more data and clarity.
I also have a bit of a headache. Not a migraine. Just a dull stuffy feeling in my head, like from stress tension, but without the stress – but my thoughts are clear and I want to get on with work.
I am working now. And it’s going ok-ish. I am still distractable. But I feel bothered quickly that I am wasting time. Like right now – I wanted to spend 15 min of this FB post and then get back to work – but it took almost an hour and that really bothers me. I feel restless and want to get back to the thousand tasks I have to get through today. Is that the Adderall? Or placebo? Don’t know.
My goal now is to really test this. So far I’ve just been answering work emails and message. All fluff work. So I am going to start on a big interface concept design that I’ve been avoiding for over a month. Its a scary task – that a lot of people will see and judge me on. So I’ll see if I am any better dealing with my fears.
And the Adderall should wear off by evening – so we’ll see if there is a crash.
Further report tomorrow.
