First, my commitment update. I have an ADHD evaluation scheduled for this coming Tuesday evening. Scary but good. Things are moving forward at a good pace on this. The therapist made it clear that he is not a pill popper – and that we will have to try several courses of alternative solutions until he can consider chemical stimulants. So no drugs for me – just yet. Its a delay – but I think its for the best.
I think I was going too fast with this anyway – with too much emotion and magical thinking in the mix. The Adderall became a solution to everything that I was feeling – and its not. All the hard work that I committed to doing this year, and had no idea how to tackle. All that fear and exhaustion. The drugs would solve everything. And I even started day dreaming about the next big thing to tackle once my productivity issues were fully cured by chemistry.
So this is a good delay. When I try the stimulants I need a good internal framework for that process. I need to have some goals and boundaries, plus account for the placebo effect. And I need to be internally prepared that they might not work for me, or the side effects will be too great to bear. If I got them today – and they did not work – I would be crushed. And that is not a good place to be. So I need to be clear that this might not work – and that I can still work at this with non-drug methods.
Drugs are still the goal. But I need to tamper my expectations. Take more responsibility for being still (and always) being the lead in this process. So more interviews. More research. More integration of what the drugs might or might not do. And more clarity on how I am still responsible for my own growth – even if the drugs do not give me the shortcut that I am craving.
And many of you have pointed out all of these pitfalls way earlier – but it has taken me some time to get there.
So meanwhile I am going to come back to figuring out how to improve my productivity habits – drugs or no drugs. And be honest about the failures and success of that tweaking.
And I’ll keep on with the therapy updates.
Have a meaningful Yom Kippur everybody.
