I’ve talked to some wonderful people in the last few days about their ADHD experience. Good creative people that I respect, who matched my earlier life experiences but then had a different life trajectory after their analysis. I’ve read a lot of materials which all resonated. I’ve had more powerful insights about my patterns with procrastination and avoidance. And I want to write about it all. But it all feels a bit pointless now. Why waste the time? My big year long journey is at an end after 4 days. Without much pomp and circumstance… I’ve arrived.
It seems pretty clear now that I have untreated adult ADHD. I’ve always had it. I can see it peeking out from every part of my life experience: college, yeshiva, startups, my current shitty job choices. 20 years of messiness, struggle, failure. Some of it was my bad choices, but a lot of it was also my different brain. Everything is a bit more clear now, but still very complicated.
I hate being reduced to a label, but everything from my procrastination on big tasks, to my blocs on doing small stupid things, to my brain’s warm up time and rampant daydreamery, bad risk assessments, weird short term forgetfulness, losing all track of time, over-optimism, fears of rejection, sensitivity to critices, emotional sensitivity, over-emotionality, even my social anxiety and hypervigilance… all of it can be linked to ADHD apparently. My whole messy life experience summed up in 4 capital letters.
So what now? I have a name for my condition. I’ve always felt different and spent a lot of time searching for an identity. And now there is a giant, loving ADHDers cuddle pile out there for me to join and learn from. My brain is different and I can stop trying to “cure” it with more discipline and better habits. I need a very different approach. And I can have more compassion for myself and stop feeling so much shame and self-anger about my inability to function as I judged I should. I can understand my kids better. (The poor hyperfocused bastards…)
But my professional life is still a mess. And my personal life is often in flowing states of emergency. I am not where I want to be. So…
Take… The… Fucking… Drugs…
I don’t have to look far and wide for a solution here. I don’t need bang my head against this dilemma. Or over analyse it for an audience on Facebook. I might not even need much therapeutic intervention. Sure I can get evaluated to be safe. But I know the solution. You all know the solution. And some of you have been successfully using it.
Take… The… Fucking… Drugs…
No drama. No journey. No deep discovery. Just a prescription. With immediate results. Take the drugs and get your life back on track. Actually feel like a normie that pays their bills, sends in the reports, and gets shit done. Find a pill popping therapist > Get the Adderall > Start your new shiny life next week.
So how do I feel about this?
I feel a lot of fear and resistance. Which is why I am writing this.
I worry. Will this hobble my creativity? My spiritual connection? My problem solving? My emotional acuity? The weird indescribable dancing fire sprite of Me?
Could I become addicted and dependent? (If not to the chemistry, than to how I feel on the chemistry) Will this change my brain? Are there any hidden long term side effects? Will I get anger or migraines, but still stay on because I can no longer bear to function without the pills?
But to be brutally honest. That’s not what bothers me the most.
It bothers me most that the solution is so easy. That it was always so easy. I’ve spent the last 6 years fighting with my productivity and fears, and the last year going on a creative crusade of pushing for the impossible. And it was all admirable. Cute even. But I could have had 20 times the success from just taking a stimulant. Big pharma had my fix figured decades ago, and all I had to do was ask.
So I was ordinary all along. My biggest fix isn’t special or unique, and it’s the same as for 10+% of the population. All of us messy creative strugglers… we are not that different after all.
I hate to accept this. I hate to be this ordinary. This simple. For all of this to be so bland and anti-climactic. Yeah I love the drama of my life, the thrill of discovery, the quest for the cure. I loved the idea that my creativity and perseverance, after years of struggle, would get me out of this mess. I derived some of my life’s meaning from this. My deep hidden self respect. And it’s all no longer needed.
Yeah it hurts. It fucking hurts for it to be so simple. So un-spectacular. I almost don’t want to accept it. After years of battle, all I need to do is get off my war steed, call off the holy healing crusade, and walk my neurodivergent ass to CVS. Womp. Womp…
Ah ego. Ego and pride. Can I blame you on ADHD as well? Or are you mine to keep? And deriving my identity and meaning from my affliction. Classic. Put em on the “fix it” list. Sigh…
And as always… my wife was right all along. Double sigh!
.
.
.
So what now?
I am going to get evaluated for ADHD, consult with a health care provider, and get a prescription for Adderall (or whatever is cool and hip these days.)
I am sad. But I want to move on. I am curious to see how my brain will feel with the drugs. Will it be magical or just better?
I have no illusions. The drugs could not work. Or it will take me years of trying different ones. Or it’s a totally different issue. Or the side effects will be too intense. But the first step is still to try some Adderall and see what happens.
Will my creativity reduce? Probably. But I will get more done, hopefully get out of emergency mode, and hopefully start on a path toward a better career that gives me the financial stability that I crave.
Will my spirituality reduce? Probably. But I have cried out to God on Rosh Hashana. And He has answered. Boom. I now have a big big answer to explore.
And from the feedback that I got, ADHD meds did not need to be all or nothing. I could take them selectively and just on the bad days. I could keep my tools. Be off the meds on weekends and vacations and feel my old self, concentrate on my kids and presence. And then get stuff done on the work days. It can be a selective boost rather than a lifestyle. I have many options to explore.
I will still have a lot of work left to do. Its possible that my high anxiety is not ADHD related, or that the drugs wont help it. (What? There’s a pill for that too??? Noice!) And I got a lot of deep trauma to tackle. So maybe I could do it better on Adderall – and get to it quicker.
But for now the path is clear. So…
Let’s… Take. The. Fucking. Drugs!
And see what happens.
Thank you for reading.
