I think that the whole concept of “Unconditional Love” in relationships is somewhat harmful. That very desire is already a condition: Love and accept me with all of my flaws, needs, and issues, or else. We want this feeling from our parents as a children (and they often fail to meet it) and then we continue wanting the same from our partners. But adult humans always have “conditions” towards each other. There is always judgment and evaluation. Each side has their own needs, boundaries, wounds and issues that will never perfectly align with the other. Humans are complicated and flawed, and no one is a mirror image of their partner.
And the more we accept that – and stop asking for an impossible condition of perfect acceptance from our partners – the more we are free to start actually communicating with our partner to get our core needs met. To start learning more about our partners and ourselves, our needs, wants, dreams, expectations, wounds, and shadows. And then to compromise, because compromise is all there is in the end. Communication and Compromise. You are not a perfect match, no one is. So you will need to understand yourself, understand the other, talk about it, and then slowly learn to compromise on your needs, wants, dreams, fears, boundaries with someone (and this is core) who is also actively doing the same for you. So you can meet each other in the middle, somewhere between selfishness and sainthood, with a touch of morality and self-preservation smoothing out the rough edges.
Its a messy, extremely complicated process that is fraught with danger. Its always unclear who is doing more of the “work”, who is being selfish and who is being a victim, who is actually changing and who is pretending. Its a confusing, imperfect, fallible process. It will take years and decades to pull off, have lots of avenues for failure and reset, and will need to be reworked as both partners grow and change, or the world around you does.
Expecting or demanding unconditional love and acceptance is so much easier by comparison. The other person either loves and accepts you unconditionally, or they don’t. You either “feel” it from them or you don’t. There is no work required. You meet. You ride the high of possibility. You give them a chance to give you that unconditional feeling. Maybe even ask them for it directly. And if they don’t deliver, either because they are incapable or unwilling, you then have a choice. You can then settle for imperfect out of fear or desire, and feel cheated by life, and hold a low key grudge against your partner for not giving you what you are meant to have. Or separate and keep looking. As long as it takes.
There is an exception to all of this. You know… those people who have it easy. They find the person meant for them, they fall in love, they mesh easily into each others lives, falling deeper and deeper in love, raising beautiful children, and taking great vacations. They grow old together, sit on a porch holding hands, and then die a month apart. The bastards. They do exist. Those other people who it did work for. Maybe they are healthier, or luckier, or Norwegians in the Midwest, but either way, the odds are against you.
The vast majority of us are imperfect, lazy, selfish, wounded by previous partners (and our parents), full of baggage, and lacking in relationship skills and role models. And we are going to need a shit ton of communication and compromise to build anything resembling long term happiness. It doesn’t mean we should settle. It doesn’t mean we should jump in. Its doesn’t mean that we should not be picky. We just need to be picky about the right things. About finding a partner who is willing (maybe even excited) to do this work with you, and grow and change for each other, and to and keep going at it through what ever life throws at you. (And having some common morals, cultural norms, and goals would make this much easier as well.)
Life is hard. Love is hard. Anything long term that involves other humans is hard. Accept it. Stop playing the odds. Stop asking for the impossible. Stop blaming yourself and your partner for not delivering the impossible. And then start learning things to make it easier. Never easy. Just easier. Easier is all you get… After you work hard at it.