4 am. The house is dark and asleep. I wake up feeling a profound dissatisfaction.
I feel tired. Tired of taking things easy. Tired of being grouchy and annoyed at everything. Tired of being sick. Tired of being whiny. Tired of being out of energy and will power. Tired of not moving forward. Tired of not being challenged. Tired of not feeling proud of myself. Tired of feeling stuck.
I get up to do my morning meditation, some stretches, and then go down to our new basement to dance. The feeling of dissatisfaction persists. It is so strong that its hard to dance to my usual happy tunes. I feel this strong desire to move forward, but I don’t know what to do with it. I turn off the dance music and turn inwards to ask my guts a question:
– What?!? What do you want?
– That feeling. That you had back in the barn. Months ago. When you felt that God was hitting you with realizations and epiphanies towards self change. When you felt like a taking a hammer to the face. And you loved it. We want that. THAT feeling.
– But we are still getting settled. Things are still crazy and up in the air. I am still looking for work. We should take it slow.
– No. You are fine. You are healthy and strong. You are settled. Its time to push. Its time to be challenged again.
The guts were right. It was time to start working hard again and build the me that I want to be. I have been taking it too slow. The personal growth. The meditations. The job search. Improving as a husband and a father its all been half-assed for the last two months of the move. And I missed how I felt when it wasn’t.
Its always scary, as it should be, but I turned to God and asked for more challenge in my life. To be humbled. To see the difficult and painful choices that I could also make. To get a chance to admit that I was wrong. To speed things up. To safely, gently, lovingly, hit me in the face with the hammer of growth.
5 am. It was done. The request was submitted. The gears were in motion. Now it was up to me to be open to the opportunity when it arose. And one day it would come like a hurricane. Overwhelming and intoxicating. God would deliver. And I could not complain, because I asked for it.
But I was still unsatisfied. I still felt this wild, unsettled energy inside of me. I wanted to run. But it was dark and wet outside. On the weekends, I’ve been out running in the forest behind our house. But with sunrise only at 7:30, which was the time get the boys ready for school, I haven’t been able to go running during weekdays.
So I did something scary and went for a run in the dark. A full moon was out, and since the trees lacked foliage, there was enough moonlight to see the ground. I gingerly made my way down the leafy path from our house until I reached the paved path that went into the dark forest.
And then I ran. Deeper and deeper into the sleeping Maryland forest. The air was cold, moist, and fragrant with rot, decay, and rebirth. As I passed in and out of shadows, I could see the dew glistening on wet branches. Drip drop all around me in a muffled staccato.
It was a bit scary. But also magical. Forests are wonderful. And I was lucky enough to live next to one now. And I knew I could do this. If I wanted to run in the mornings in the East Coast winter, I would have to learn to run in the dark.
Running in the dark. In a cold forest that is both scary and magical. What a metaphor for my life! I want to move. But I have no idea where I am going. And yet I need enough momentum to get through it.
As I ran I made a plan. I want to get back to where I was 2 months ago. Strong. Confident. Brave. Organized. Tackling issue after issue and making difficult choices both at home and at work. Failing and getting back up. I am going to have to build up to that level of self-confidence again.
I have been slacking off on everything. My meditation is distracted. I am not present during the day. I let angry and sad thoughts stay in my head for days. I am avoiding facing and delving into scary emotions. My dancing and running are limited and sporadic. I stopped waking up early, and my free time is swallowed up by Facebook and Youtube.
So lets get back to basics. Go to sleep at 9 pm. Wake up at 4 am. Have a clear morning plan. Get a lot done before the kids wake up and I’m needed by the family. Use that energy to keep doing scary things through the day. Staying present. Watching my mind and emotions. Start improving on my lapsed practices from months ago. Be open to new challenges when they come.
And keep running. Even if its dark.
