As I checked into my men’s group tonight, I mentioned that the last night of Channukah was a tough day for me. Why – they asked. So without planning to, I told them the full story of Hadassa Danger Ta’ir, the words pouring out of me, and 9 men, in 9 zoom blocks, listened to me share for 20 minutes without saying a word.
I was in the deep deep dark by the end of it.
So they asked me – what could we do for you right now?
I said – I don’t know. These emotions come once a year and I let them have their place. And normally I just listen to Leonard Cohen’s “You want it darker” and process and make my peace with God yet again.
So someone found the song, and played it over Zoom screen share.
As the song played, I cried, apologized to my daughter, and cleared with God.
And 9 men listened to me, and I was not alone.
It was one of the weirdest, most uncomfortable, and vulnerable moments in my life.
Most of our group aren’t Jewish. So I translated the song and what it meant to me.
Hineni… Here I am. It was what Adam should have answered when God called to him in the garden, but it was first said by Avraham.
Here I am God. Here I am before you.
And for me…
This was not the reality that I would have chosen. This is not the reality I wanted. I did not choose this reality. The sadness, the guilt, the regret. And with every child we have, as each opens my heart and teaches me to love more and more, I feel what I have lost more acutely.
But… Hineni…
Here I am God.
Here I am before you. In my choices, and in your choices.
In my shame, my rage, and my regret.
And in my gratitude for having found this group of men to be a part of my life.
Hineni.
I choose to learn and grow from my experiences.
I will be a better man for her. A more careful, less selfish, and entitled man. I will be a safer man for her by next Channukah. And my men’s group will hold me to that promise. Which is a blessing in it itself.
Her name was Hadassa Danger Ta’ir.
May her memory be a light in the darkness.
