I was dancing in the dark barn, and I was struck with a thought.
When is my growth going to end?
The last 2 months have been truly intense, a wild roller coaster ride of growth and change. I started meditating daily, realized that I’ve been depressed for the last 5 years, started dancing, started feeling emotions and joy, and pushed through more growth than I have done in the last 10 years.
So when is it going to end? Is this an artificial high? When would the energy and desire pushing this forward abate? Sure, I got to go up and down. I got to put up my hands and go “Wooo!” But now… was it time to slide into disembark so that someone else can get on the ride?
I knew this ride. I’ve had it before. There is a high of possibility. You tackle some big things. You take on new practices. You feel powerful for a few days. And then the energy and confidence fades. You get back to “normal”. Everything becomes exhausting and impossible again. I would feel stressed and listless, only wanting to veg out and do the minimum. Slipping into a holding pattern of keeping up a few things that I started, and then starting to make “rational” decisions to drop a few of my new practices just so I have enough willpower to hold on to something – anything – new that I acquired during the high. And then maybe next year… I would get another jolt, another high, and maybe get to move up another step.
That’s how it always used to be. But I don’t feel it now. It’s two months in, and still feel that I’m on the ride. I feel it in my guts. The hollow feeling in the stomach, gravity pressing you into your seat, the cart ratcheting up to the top of the ride before the whoosh. I am there right now. Nothing is slowing down. It’s speeding up. And we are about to drop into a whole new triple loop.
I got over my depression. I am doing good in my new job. I am stable. But… I am clearly still on the roller coaster. I still have this desire to grow and improve as strong as before. To keep tackling things that were previously thought untouchable. To own to my mistakes. To take responsibility. To change. To do more. To not give up. AND – the weirdest part – I seem to have the energy for it. I am not wearing down, or freaking out, or truly backsliding. I am just going forward. And nothing seems impossible. (And it’s freaking terrifying.)
So I stopped and thanked God. I don’t know why I am getting this gift. But it’s a gift. Because I’ve never been capable of this on my own. It’s awesome, and it’s unearned. Thank you. I am so grateful to be here. I feel like I am finally taking steps to becoming a man I can be proud of. And I love it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And… God? I… I don’t want it to stop…
I want more please. More of all of this.
Yes, I am terrified. I can’t do this. But I am. And I want more. I don’t know what it is. But I want it. I want the growth.
I don’t want to go back to being depressed. I don’t want to be a bad husband or father. I don’t live in shame for my life choices. To always be tired and “not today”.
I want… I want something different. And I know it will be really hard. And I will have to own up to all of my piles of shit. But I still want to keep moving forward.
Please God. Keep it going. I want more of this. Don’t let me go back. Keep me going forward. I want it. I want it. It want it.
I went back to dancing. But feeling a bit scared about what I just asked for. (And do I believe God will provide more challenge if you ask for it.) Yes growth is great. But how will I ever have enough energy and willpower for all of it? When will the bill come due? When will I crash? What if I can’t handle it? What if the challenge is too much? What if I will want to crawl up in a ball and hide away under a blanket? Is that still allowed?
I felt the fear. The fear was strong. It was a fear of having to deal with it all. All this life stuff. There is so much of it. And it seemed like it would swallow me up and there would not be enough me to deal with it. And now I just asked for more of it.
All these life things. Kids. Marriage. Work. Growth. Sickness. Death. There is so much of it. So overwhelmingly much. And if I improve myself – I’ll just have to do more of it. Be more responsible. More available. More present. More willing. More loving. More giving. More and more and more.
I am feeling some real panic now. Can I do life? I don’t know if I can. It’s so much. Oh my God… what did I just ask for?
Another thought came in: “Accept It.”
It’s a tool I’ve learned from Eckhart Tolle: accepting what is. Not fighting it. Not denying it. But fully accepting the reality of things. So… I tried it.
I said: “I accept my life. It may be hard. It may be too much. But I accept it. I accept what my life is. I accept this as my life. I am here. Now. And this is the life that I will get to live.”
It felt like a hammer to the face. But in a good way. Like something hit me. And the panic was gone. And I could feel my energy again. Standing in the dark. Feeling a fire in my chest. My feet on the ground. My muscles. My strength.
And I heard an inner voice say: “Do more. Take it one… step… further…”
So I said: “I accept LIFE.”
Kids. Marriage. Work. Growth. Sickness. Death. I accept it. I accept that this is what life is.
And a cold wind blew at my face. So fierce that it was hard to breathe. I was in the barn with the door closed. But I felt like I was at the top of a mountain, standing at the edge before the chasm, and air, so much cold air, blowing at me.
So I said again: “I accept LIFE.”
The cold wind got stronger and then it all just started exploding in my brain. Life is hard. But that is the reality of life. There are no shortcuts, there are no excuses, there is no respite, there is no hiding, and no one else will do it for you. And that is how it should be.
That is life. I accept it.
The work never ends. And the more you do, the harder you will have to work, and the more there will be to get done. You will have to help yourself and others and the work is Limitless. Managing a career. Keeping a marriage. Raising children. Taking care of aging parents. Dealing with injury, sickness and death. Being humbled over and over again, while learning how to love yourself and others. Being responsible, being accountable, being patient. And all through it, never stopping to work on yourself to be a better human being. Until you die.
That is life. That is how it should be. I accept it.
And this is what it means to grow up. To become an adult and accept and surrender to the reality of life. To admit to this reality of life and embrace it. To accept this reality of Life not as a punishment, or a chore, or bad luck. To accept it as a privilege and a mission. Your challenge in life until you die. And to do it with with joy. Because you only have one Life to live. So you might as well enjoy it. Enjoy the work. It’s your work and no one else can do it for you.
The cold wind abated. I was back in a dark barn, trying to catch my breath. Fucking roller coasters…
A had a final thought.
So am I an adult now? Is this what being an adult feels like? Well shit…
I guess I asked for it.
Now let’s jog, shower, and get ready to drive to my job. There is work to be done.
And the work is yours. No one will do it for you.
