All of this is extremely embarrassing to share. But nothing changes when things stay hidden. So here goes. Because I would like this to be a new year.
This has been an intense Rosh Hashana for me. Lots of prayer, lots of fear, anger, sadness, failure and internal work. I believe that these 2 days lay some of the spiritual foundation for the year for me – and so it pushed me to delve into what I really wanted, and have been avoiding.
In prayer, I asked myself what was the area of my life that I have been avoiding this past year, that would have the greatest impact on my life if fixed. The answer I got was that I have been avoiding taking on my Fear of Failure, and the connected daily behaviors of procrastinating, avoiding, freezing, and perfectionisting about scary tasks that need to get done in my life. This reaction of immediate avoidance, (or if I don’t let myself avoid – then freezing and not doing anything) affects every area of my life: my career, my personal goals, my marriage.
I get a task – and my first reaction is to put it away. I mark it on a list, I set an alarm maybe, but I’ll deal with it later. Always later! I never just do it, it has to come up as an alarm 5 times over and be late for me to start on something. This costs me greatly in every area of my life, and is a giant, GIANT shadow of mine. That I don’t like to think about, admit to, and yet build my life around.
I don’t know where the fear comes from. Shitty dad? Shitty mom? Shitty school? Immigrant experience? I’ve over-explored everything else – but clearly not this. Why is sending an email or finishing a report becomes an existential threat? Why am I in fight/flight/freeze on every serious work project? Every freaking time. It should not be this way. But this fear fucks me up me most time and on most things.
The cost from this on my life is immense. Money, time, promotions, confidence to pursue better jobs, deep sense of shame and disgust, feeling that I am a broken/deficient man who can’t cut in the real scary world where you cant constantly fuck up, fear of other “functional” on time men, deep anger at myself, constant lying to cover up my latenesses and freezes, fakeness, deceit, fear and disappointment from my wife, immense added stress, guilt. On average I lose about 20-40 hours to procrastination every week. Time wasted while I avoid what needs to get done. I procrastinate before every project and task, that puts my days into constant emergency mode. As I am always late, fucked up, ashamed, and lying to cover it up. I dont rest. I dont have fun. I avoid and then feel shame, self-hatred and exhaustion without accomplishing anything.
So the “invite” that I got was to take that on. Fully. With no quarter. To make this the last year where I allow myself to avoid every scary thing that needs to be done in my life. Be it work projects, house projects, calling people up, reaching out to new connections, or paying a bill as soon as I get it. I’ve had this crappy approach to life since I was a teenager – and it needs to change. I cant afford to be a procrastinator anymore. And the upside being that if I can stop procrastinating and avoiding so much – I will have more time for everything else in my internal work as well.
BUT it will need a singular focus. This has been one of my bigger problems this year. I did a LOT of good things and took on a lot of crappy behaviors and beliefs. But I did it all at the same time. So everything was started – but nothing was finished. I have a lot of daily practices that I “try” to do – but nothing is solidly rooted in habit. And I constantly feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and like a failure.
So a supporting skill that I need to build (at the same time – ironically) is the discipline to focus only on one thing, and to make everything else in my goals secondary to my work on the Fear of Failure (FOF). I start by working on my FOF goal. If I succeed, then I can do other things.
This is the commitment that I want to make for this year. The whole year – because it will take that long and then some. Is to focus on this one thing – my Fear of Failure and the resulting behaviors – and to get it done. To stop procrastinating, avoiding, and freezing, To get to the root of it. To heal what drives it, and create healthy habits for a better way of living my life, and approaching everything in it.
I also think, being totally honest with myself, that I will need a therapist to help me with this. A professional to keep my nose in it and not let me jump away to something else. I’ve had more than enough time on my own to deal with this. And I haven’t. Because… well… avoidance. So I am also fully committed to getting a therapist and getting professional help with this shit.
I am feeling a lot of Warrior Energy about this. Why the fuck haven’t I dealt with this already? Enough is enough. I don’t need to live my life as a procrastinator. I don’t need to become Elon Musk. But I could become a healthier me that is not constantly living in self-created emergency and lateness. I want to live in a reality where is nothing existentially scary about sending an email.
So I am excited to do this. Also utterly scared, as I know the actual process will be a shit show, and that this fear will kick my ass over and over through this year.
But is not now, when?
Goal for today. Yes today. Or else I lose this energy and momentum. Find at least 3 therapists that would be good on something like this. Schedule to interview them to see if they have experience with this issue.
Tomorrow I will make a plan on beating this thing – and scheduling my day around this work.
