Yesterday I got honest about my struggle with getting scary things done, the connected behaviors of procrastination, avoidance, perfectionism and freezing; the huge cost this all had on my life – and my commitment to get this issue solved this year. (See yesterday’s post) And the internet came back with an answer. Hey! You might have untreated ADHD.
Well fuck…
My first reaction was to feel really stupid. Is that all? I just needed some drugs? And my professional life would not be shit right now? I would not have almost failed out of college? I don’t have to live a life of constant emergency and lies trying to cover up for every new thing that I am late and avoiding?
I feel doubly stupid because my wife told me that she thinks I have ADHD about 6 years ago, and I didn’t believe her. My brain is fine. I am creative and can focus well enough. I just have bad work habits. And bad discipline for getting boring work done. And bad remembering habits. And bad time estimation habits. And too much unhealthy optimism. And if I fix all those – I’ll be fine.
Well – as always – my wife was probably right all along. (There is a long list… ) I might have ADHD. And I just looked up “hyperfocus” and it seems right on the money. Yeah I can intensely focus on things for days – but as soon as the task gets un-interesting, or knotty, or confusing, or I disagree with how its assigned by others, I zone out. And then its a hard slog fighting through procrastination that I mostly lose. And based on that I’ve built my adult life around working for friends, or on my own projects, where I can get things done because I set them up in a way that they are interesting enough to finish. And my career and stable achievements are crap.
I feel like I am floating a bit as a write this. ( I dissociate a bit when I am too stressed. Yes, yes, trauma, another thing to work on eventually. )
So… my whole adult life, 25 years of it, could have been completely different? If someone diagnosed with this back in junior high and gave me some Adderall my whole life would be utterly different in every respect? I would not have hidden out in yeshiva and Israel. I probably would be a well paid (but possibly miserable) lawyer right now. (which was my goal in HS) Its almost too much to take in.
Ok… deep breaths. So why now? Why is this making sense to me now? I’ve certainly heard enough about ADHD earlier. Why didn’t I ever seriously asked this question about myself before?
I think I’ve had a real mental block on allowing the thought of me having ADHD because I truly, utterly, desperately hate the idea that there might be something wrong with my brain. My brain fine! Fuck off you judgy bastards. Its smart. Its quick. It’s quicker than all you alls. I just need some better study habits and will power. Other kids had parents who taught them this early. And now I just need to catch up as an adult and use my brain to fix itself.
Ok so what changed? Why am I ok with the thought of there being something wrong with my brain now? Well… because of meditation. Last year I learned that I am not my brain. It’s creativity, it’s speed and acuity – thats not me. I am the something that gets to use this Brain, or not. So its ok if the brain is broken, or needs help – because it doesn’t mean that I am broken. Because I am not my brain.
So what now? Drugs! Drugs! Drugs? Yeah maybe. And maybe a full on mental function evaluation. Because I am ready for this to change.
Yeah it sucks. Yeah I can be angry that no one cornered me on this earlier. My college was prescribing drugs to everyone like crazy… why not me? I had a report card with 5 Fs and 3 A+ at some point… why didn’t anyone think it was weird. I could have had 20 less years of misery, failure and shame. I can’t even imagine what that would be like.
Floating again…
Deep breaths again… (This meditation stuff is the shit. 5 stars.)
The anger does not help me. Positive action does.
I want to blame the Other… but if they did corner me – would I listen? Could I hear that there was something wrong with me 20 years ago? Or 10? Or 5? Would I take drugs and risk being less creative? I was so enamored in my brain I would just ascribe this to silly Americans trying to solve everything with drugs.
Well… I am here now. 39. With some wisdom under my belt in spite of everything. What do I do now?
I gather more info. I hear the experiences of others. I get a therapist. I let this settle inside of me.
I still have a lot of fears. And solving things with drugs feels like cheating somehow. Its the easy way out. The cop out that you have to pay for later. But… that could just be my Ego, wanting to solve everything is my all-mighty Brain. Which is at the core of this problem.
I am going to take this slow and step by step.
Maybe Adderall is the solution. But maybe its not. Its possible that I have ADHD and a fear of failure AND something else to boot. So there is still enough hard work on my horizon.
Its also possible that the side effects of drugs will be too much, or they wont work for me, and I will still have to create a tool set to manage my ADHD. But at least I can be clear on what I am trying to solve.
For now I am open to exploring all of this with humility and curiosity.
(Being almost 40 and wiser is the shit. 5 stars. Would recommend.)
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As for my commitment yesterday to start on the therapy process. I found 3 good local Anxiety/ADHD therapists. Its all going to be remote anyway, so I don’t know if there is point to being local. But its a start. My commitment for today is to message all 3, and setup onboarding interviews to see with who I may have the best fit.
All very scary, but important.
