This has been my worst week at work so far. My boss and a coworker were mad at me for something unknown. I could do nothing right. Constant criticism. Everything being tense and stressful. It really helps me appreciate how lucky I was for the past decade to work in mostly non-corporate, non-office, non-drama jobs to never have experienced this…
Except that’s a total fucking lie.
I wasn’t lucky. The truth is that I have been utterly terrified of working in traditional “office” environments since college. And I’ve been studiously avoiding this type of “normal” employment until now. Instead, I tried running my own catering business, than freelancing, remote work, startups and working with or under friends. All so I would not have to face my fears of dealing with office politics, coworker cliques, irrational supervisors, small talk, or have to ever leave my introverted safe zone.
The result is that now I am 38, and my career growth and earning potential suck. I have good skills as a Technical Project or Product manager. And I love what I do. But I don’t have job security, or flexibility, and I have to work harder and longer for much less. I have done a lot of good things in the last 10 years, but building a solid career, where I could work hard and earn as a solid professional, has not been one of them.
If I dig a bit deeper, it all came down to my first Summer after I finished College. There was a choice I made there. I finished College with a degree in Political Theory, and a deep disenchantment in politics, activism, academia and non-profits. (Long story.) I had no plan or motivation for a career. I had no idea what I wanted to do, and everything seemed crap. So I resolved to apply to some temp office jobs in Brooklyn, live with my mom, and figure it out. I then got ready for a 10 day Birthright trip to Israel, as my last vacation before a life of office drudgery.
Surprise! I never came back from that 10 day trip.
I stayed in Israel for the next 8 years to learn about Judaism, connect with God, become a Kiruv Rabbi, and save the Jewish people from themselves. It made all the sense in the world at the time. And I got a relationship with God and some good friends out of the experience. But I’ve been asking myself lately… did I stay in Yeshiva for so long because I was learning about the “Truth” OR because I was avoiding it? Yes, there was a spiritual reality for me to discover. But was it also a way for me to avoid the material reality of needing a career, growing up, and having to pay my way in the world?
I did a lot of good therapy in Israel. Fixed my relationship with my mom. Felt more comfortable in my own skin. Felt worthy enough of a family. All of that was good. But the big big big fear of mine that got me to Israel in the first place – of dealing with office realities and terrible bosses – remained unconscious and unaddressed. So I kept running from it for another 10 years, to the detriment of my family.
It is a very hard thing to admit to myself. But as dance in my dark barn trying to hype up for another day of office work – my first real office job – these thoughts keep coming at me. What was I running for? For what? To avoid the stress of THIS week? That’s it? I mean it’s bad. But it’s not that bad. It’s just stress. Just suckinness. Just life. THIS is what defined the last 15 years of my life? God… I am such a fucking idiot. I have let this fear bend and guide my life for the last 15 years. And I have majorly, utterly, wholeheartedly… fucked up.
I look at my high-school and college friends, the ones who took their parents’ advice seriously and worked hard and moved up their careers. I am not talking about some coked up stock traders. I’ve been lucky to have friends who found good balances between career achievement, family and community. They are solid husbands and fathers. They have their problems. I am not idealizing their sacrifices and issues. But they have made the choices that I’ve so studiously avoided, and they are in a more solid place for it. They are wanted and needed professionals. They are paid well. They have flexibility and respect in their jobs. They get to be creative and challenged. They have the security that if they are fired their skills and experience are in demand in other jobs.
Back in Israel I used to judge them for not exploring more, looking into religion, or working more on themselves. I was the seeker and they were the drones. Now with my 40s approaching, I have to admit that they have also worked on themselves. They know how to pay their way and they support their parents. (Instead of being bailed out by them.) They are good at dealing with the stresses of work and other people. Life is not too much for them. They can work through their emotions and show up when needed. They have a deep earned sense of self-respect. They have a certain inner security as men, fathers, and providers. While I, and many of my fellow spiritual seekers are, to be brutally honest – still messes.
Now when I talk to my boring safe career friends on the phone I feel a deep sense of jealousy, shame and sadness. (No it’s not healthy – but I am being honest here.) I envy their security and freedom. I wish I would have listened to my parent’s advice. I wish I’d have faced my work fears earlier. I wish I made the choice to grow up and accept life 10 years earlier. And I wish I had someone to blame for this but myself. I wish I wasn’t in a hole of my own digging…
So… I had a GREAT week at work. I was criticized. I was stressed. I was scared. And honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I could handle it. I could handle more. I could handle worse. I could have handled it 10 years ago. It was just an office job with its issues of corporate insanity. Not something worth running away from for 15 years. The realization was painful as hell… but… better now than at 50. And now I have the opportunity to do better.
I know I am over correcting here. Leaning a bit too far to the other side. All true. But after 15 years of avoiding this reality, now I am trying to lean in. And I am confident that the same tools that got me here will bring me to balance as well.
For now, I have another 10 years to become a needed, secure professional. We have mastered the cheapo farm life. But now I need to be able to provide for my family in a Jewish suburb, perhaps with private school, and eventually pay for their higher education. To be able to – eventually – have some job flexibility so I can be with my family more. I am not there yet. Not by a long shot. So many many many more fears left to face. But I know where I need to go.
Ok, I need to go get dressed for work. It might be stressful. Yay.
